Ok, so let me make one thing clear right now: It's not that I don't want to be pregnant, it's not that I don't want this baby. I know what I'm doing it for. Nobody said it was easy. And I think I must say to you guys honest: I feel like sh*t lately. I can pretend that everything is ok and that I enjoy pregnancy but I really don't.I've told some thing in my other blog: for once and for all let me make this clear!
Pregnancy isn't always about roses. And I really do believe that there are people who are much wors condition then I am.
But for me is just all things summed together. What I've been trough in the past, how I am as a person. You see the pictures of the flowers up here? I've made them today, I love flowers and gardening. Now that I've got some new flowers and the sun is shining and it was a pretty hot day I wanted to enjoy of all this.
But I just really can't.
First the day started at the hospital for a heartscan of the baby. And because I did not feel the baby from yesterdays scan the want me to come back tomorrow for another scan.
The heartbeat was really great so I'm happy about that. But that I must come back because it isn't ok that I just feel nothing while I'm 30weeks tomorrow and at first I feel the baby kick constantly.
Well it's just a matter of time. And I will see what they will say tomorrow.
Wednesday I must go to the dietitian because my glucose is to high. And in June I've got my first echo where they are going to keep up how the baby grows.
And further I have 24/7 abdominal pain. And sometimes it's more worse then the other time. Sometimes it hurts so much that I just can't walk and I get dizzy and must throw up.
But with the baby everything is fine (what they can see now).
But I must keep my rest, while I'm a very busy person that can not sit still for one second.
That's the reason I may not go to work or can do things with my friends.7days a week I sit at home where 5 of them I'm all alone. And really I feel very lonely.
Ofcourse sometimes a friend or my mom comes by to check how I'm doing or drink a cup of coffee.
But that's not everyday. And I can not ask of them to come by every day. In the evening my hubby is at home but he got things to do like cleaning, walk with the dogs. Sometimes I help him out with cleaning or a litlle walk with the dogs but most of the time after that I'm in lot of pain.
And that sucks.
So I feel very lonely, and when I feel that way I think, when I think, I remember, when I remember, I feel pain, when I feel pain, I cry.
But my hubby got a life also, and how hard he tries to be there for me, I can't ask him not to do the things he like.I still remember that I've got 10 more weeks to go and then everything will be over and that i can enjoy my life again and feel fine.
But for now.... I don't. I hope I'm in a better mood soon.
Sorry guys for my complain blog. That's what this is right now. But I just wanted to let you know that pregnancy is not about roses or sunshine. Everybody feels different. One can enjoy and the other don't.
And this lonelyness is really killing me right now!
